Top 10 Reasons Why I Can’t Be Pope

The first resignation of a pope in over 600 years opens the door for some unprecedented opportunities. I would like to think the Catholic Church can think outside the box. But on the other hand…

The Top 10 Reasons Why I Can’t Be Pope

10.) I am not Catholic. I have no idea what this has to do with being in charge of the richest organization on the planet. It should go by individual merit, personal flair, and achievement. I want to Indian wrestle the Conclave members for it. Best two out of three falls. These guys are old. I could take them.

09.) I don’t look good in hats. I do however fill out a dress quite well. I would however change the dress code to a nice LBD or frilly smock. Something that says “Ten Hail Marys and let’s get this party started.”

08.) I am afraid of heights and that whole balcony thing just doesn’t work for me. I’m thinking Jumbotron.

07.) I don’t like Bingo.

06.) I wouldn’t bless Harley Davidsons exclusively. Seriously, there is a limited number of HD’s that are in a lottery  to be blessed by the Pope upon production this year. I mean if you bless Harley’s, what’s next? Segways?

05.) I would put sponsorship patches on my robes. If it’s good enough for Jeff Gordon, it’s good enough for me. I mean 50 million NASCAR fans can’t be wrong.

04.) I would bless the Coyote union in Nevada. If anybody needs Divine Assistance, it is these girls.

03.) I would change the sign of the cross during benediction to the Three Stooges Finger Snap. Let’s liven things up a bit.

02.) I would change “kissing my ring” to having to “lick it.” Extra points for style and originality. Even more if you bring hand sanitizer along.

01.) They haven’t called.