Atlantis Resort, Bahamas, Review

Atlantis Resort, Bahamas, Review

The Mayan Temple/Slides at Atlantis take you into either the River Rapids or a Shark Tank
The Mayan Temple/Slides at Atlantis take you into either the River Rapids or a Shark Tank

The Atlantis Resort on Paradise Island in the Bahamas is one of the most complete, beautiful and imaginative resorts ever.  Everyone should go at least once. But it helps if someone else is picking up the tab, because it is also one of the most expensive I have ever been to. I would like to say they nickel and dime you, but it’s more like $5 and $10 you  to death.  Photos of our trip are available here. A review of the Hidden Charges is here.


Almost any type of aquatic adventure you  can imagine is available at Atlantis. From unbelievable water slides through shark tanks, to rentable water craft, to swimming with the dolphins. I will say that if you get your mind past the inflated prices and ignore the hidden charges and sometimes not so subtle ways they squeeze money out of you, you can have a blast there.

Water Slides

The Surge at Atlantis

Melinda loves water slides (well, pretty much any type of speed-oriented, dangerous thrill adventure). So trying to get her to slow down on her multiple trips through the Mayan Shark Slides, The Abyss, The Surge and all the other water slides that either hurl you through the shark tank or into the River Rapids, was like trying to slow down a three year old with no impulse control! I rode with her on a double tube through the shark tank once and that WAS pretty cool. The Abyss dumps you out into a cavern with wall sized aquariums in it and would have been more fun if I knew when to hold my breath as opposed to being dumped from the dark roller coaster-like drop into the tank. Eh. A couple of lungfuls of water never hurt anyone but Natalie Wood.

The Surge was not quite as pleasant. My tube went a bit out of control and face planted me at about 20 miles per hour in the middle of the winding corkscrew. When my inner tube came down by itself, Melinda knew I was in trouble and that seemed to be the signal for the idiot at the bottom to signal another rider come down. So after busted my face and ribs in the twisting slide and desperately trying to get down the tube, the next kid kicked the back of my head on his trip down. Man, was I having FUN or WHAT?!

After getting out of the Surge and making sure my 10 year old assailant wasn’t hurt, I (and everyone else) found that the water in Lazy River was neither deep enough or fast enough to carry you down to Rapids. Upon seeing my inner tube come out of the Surge by itself, the Mensa candidate running the bottom of the ride said “Mon, your tube is too full of air!” Would have been good info about 80 feet ago. I guess his mental twin at the top of the Surge didn’t think that was an issue. Ah. The joys of customer safety!

Fun with Flipper!

swam with the dolphins at Atlantis Resort in Bahamas
Melinda and I swam with the dolphins at Atlantis Resort in Bahamas (so we could buy pictures?)

On Saturday, we upgraded from the Shallow Water Dolphin Experience  (pretty much petting them) to the Deep Water Dolphin Experience (swimming with them). That will be an extra $120, thank you. It was about 62 degrees and misting rain and Atlantis had no earthly thought of canceling this money making bonanza.

They  had a wet suit in my size which was… “attractive”. Not so much. Think sausage stuffed with C4, the explosive potential was extraordinary. However, it did help keep me warm. The water was heated for the dolphins and after a bit, the adrenaline helped circulation. Much more fun in the summer.

Atlantis Resort Bahamas Dolphin Wimming
Melinda and her new boy toy! He gives good fin!

The dolphin activities turned out to be (barely veiled attempts of) rushing us from one pose to the next withe big mammals in order to sell us un-godly expensive photo packages at the end.

  • Kissing a dolphin – really? the thing tried to slip me the tongue!
  • Hugging & petting a dolphin – not in an inappropriate choir boy way
  • Dancing with a dolphin – is it bad that it had more rhythm than Melinda?
  • Toe Push – me on a kick board, dolphin pushes on my toes, really really fast! Into the seawall. Scary. Fun.
  • Swim with dolphins – using handheld underwater jets, fun but not enough interaction with dolphins

To be continued…