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Fashion Faux Pas

Flaired fashion monstrosity. Did someone actually tell her this looks good?

Flaired fashion monstrosity. Did someone actually tell her this looks good?

I am not Joan Rivers (thank God!) but in an effort to make the world more visually appealing, I am posting a list of what I consider a list of Fashion Horrors (and not the good-Lon-Chaney-kind either!) These fashion tragedies are for both men and women. The women’s faux pas are twice as nasty on men by the way!

10.) Cork Wedge High Heels – unless you are tacking a post it note to them with a tack, these should be avoided at all costs.

9.) Tube Tops – even in the 70’s these sucked the taste out of a room. They are NOT back in style no matter what Target tries to tell you!

8.) Flaired Hip Dresses – I don’t know what the real name for these are (tutu dresses?) but you can see them on Scarlett in nearly every episode of Nashville. They look like something Tammy Wynette might have worn in the  50’s. We hated them then too. They are usually knee length, and flair out from the waist with what looks like miniature petty coats. Usually worn by women or girls who want to pull off the cutesy look.

Sagging_crop7.) Droopy Pants – (guys) It’s 2014. These were stupid 15-20 years ago and just sad now. Actually, worse than sad. Think Mr. T jewelry from the 70’s. They are a cartoon of what some follow-the-herd mentality thought was ‘gangsta’, to be filed with holding a gun and wearing a ball cap sideways. Back then it was unoriginal and a cry for help, now it’s just pathetically moronic. The 90’s called and even they don’t want their droopy pants back.

6.) Chinese Tattoos – If you can’t read it, don’t get it permanently written on your body. For all you know it says “American Dumbass” in Mandarin. Also no barbed wire, butterflies or rose tattoos. Why not skip the tattoo altogether? I know this is not going to be a popular mention, but it is now more original to NOT have a tattoo than to do what everyone else is doing. What can you possibly think you will believe in so much that you will have it plastered on your body for the next 60-70 years? 60% of marriages end in divorce, so not your spouse’s name. If you think you are going to believe in the same things you do in your late teens/early twenties as you do in your 60’s, you DESERVE to have it permanently painted on your body. Remember, today’s butterfly is next decades vulture. Gravity sucks. The human body is a miracle of design. Putting graffiti on it is like saying God didn’t do a good enough job and/or a cry for attention. Girls – guys don’t call ’em “tramp stamps” because they respect them.

5.) Black Socks & Shorts – (guys) It wasn’t cool in the 50’s and has only gotten nastier. Just stop.

Plastic Surgery/Botox 4.) Botox – artificially plumper lips of any kind. Some plastic surgeon in LA convinced somebody this was cool and now Melanie Griffith, Angelina Jolie, Lisa Rinna, and thousands of once gorgeous women have turned their beautiful faces into Halloween masks. I am not against a little plastic surgery, but only if it makes you BETTER, not hideous. Men are not excluded here either: Bruce Jenner, Burt Reynolds, Kenny Rogers. Really? After getting paid truckloads of money, some doctor said “You look great!” to each and everyone of these people. Before you let anyone inject botulism into your body, I have only three things to say to you… Joan Rivers, Michael Jackson, & Carrottop.

3.) Sandals & Socks – (guys) If you do this anymore, we will just come up to you, look down and laugh. Period.

2.) Granny Panties – there is never a reason good enough. Ever.

1.) Capri Pants – to paraphrase Christopher Titus “Oh yeah! Give us something that makes women’s legs look shorter, their ankles thicker, and butts bigger! No woman should EVER wear these fashion abortions.” These were clearly designed by women-hating gay men who want women to look as hideous as possible. There is no shoe, shirt, blouse, accessory, hair style, or body type that can make these look good. The only thing that can improve a pair Capri pants is can of Butane and an open flame. IMHO.

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