Top 10 Reasons Why I Can’t Be the Pope

NOTE: I originally wrote this in 2013, so all you non-Baptists out there can just settle down. Originally, this blog was an outlet for me to write non-politically correct stuff. I think I succeeded. I’ve been going through some my old stuff I wrote and I’m thinking “If I can’t remember it, I KNOW you can’t!”

The first resignation of a pope in over 600 years opens the door for some unprecedented opportunities. I would like to think the Catholic Church can think outside the box. But on the other hand…

The Top 10 Reasons Why I Can’t Be The Pope

10.) I am not Catholic. I have no idea what this has to do with being in charge of the richest organization on the planet. It should go by individual merit, personal flair, and upper body strength. I want to Indian wrestle the Conclave members for it. Best two out of three falls. These guys are old. I could take them.

09.) I don’t look good in hats. I do however fill out a dress quite well. I would definitely change the dress code to a nice LBD or frilly smock. Something that says “Ten Hail Marys and let’s get this party started.”

08.) I am afraid of heights and that whole balcony thing just doesn’t work for me. I’m thinking Jumbotron.

07.) I don’t like Bingo.

06.) I wouldn’t bless Harley Davidsons exclusively. Seriously, there is a limited number of HD’s that are in a lottery  to be blessed by the Pope upon production this year. I mean if you bless Harley’s, what’s next? Segways?

05.) I would put sponsorship patches on my robes. If it’s good enough for Jeff Gordon, it’s good enough for me. I mean 50 million NASCAR fans can’t be wrong.

04.) I would bless the Coyote union in Nevada. If anybody needs Divine Assistance, it is these girls.

03.) I would change the sign of the cross during benediction to the Three Stooges Finger Snap. Let’s liven things up a bit.

02.) I would change “kissing my ring” to having to “lick it.” Extra points for style and originality. Even more if you bring hand sanitizer along.

01.) They haven’t called.